Oh Such Wise Words
Tammy, my sangha grandmother, gives it to me straight:
“You’re human. You have hormones. Just be thankful your body is working the way it should be. Really, it’s doin’ it’s job. Just let it go.”
If you didn’t know Tammy you might be easily deceived. See, her look is soft and gentle, like flannel sheets in winter, but oh I love it when she is direct with me. She continues: “It’s springtime for goodness’ sake! Everything’s doin’ it. Just let yourself feel the way you feel and let it go. Let it be what it is.”
It never ceases to amaze me how Buddhism has an answer for everything. That’s why Tammy makes the best sangha grandma – because she knows the teachings and, in her own words, “I’m old!” Which is another way of saying she doesn’t make everything a big deal like I do. She’s been there, done that. She’s experienced the fruitlessness of self-ridicule and doubt, knows the restlessness of the hungry ghosts, has faith in how it all works out in the end anyway.
“But I get so frustrated with myself. Why do I put myself in those situations? Why do I pretend? I don’t even want to be with him long term. It’s just that, well, he’s there.” I am borderline whining at this point, but oh Tammy is so sweet and let’s me get it all out of my system as we sit in the afternoon sun of early spring.
“I don’t know a woman who hasn’t done that. We’ve all pretended before. At least you’re aware of what’s going on. You’re not fooling yourself. It has to do with the fact that you’re a writer, see,” Tammy says. Now she really has my attention. “You experience things in such detail. You know how and where you are at any time. You can describe exquisitely. Your experience is defined in many ways by the way in which you can get it down on the page. This heightens the emotions that were present at the time, first of all. Second, it means you live in a very purposeful, brave way.”
Oh my God.
She’s completely right.