Trying To Be A Co-Creator

This morning a dew-drenched yellow light filtered through the mixed forest on the property as if to greet me with all the strength of heart I will ever need to live my life. Be where you are, I thought again, then, I am here.. And by nightfall, while moths pressed their soft, fat bodies into the seams of my window screens I am reminded: “We are co-creators in the universe. Define what you want and put it out there. Invite your heart’s desires to come by creating a mental and spiritual space for them.”

I realize that when exude confusion I see confusion manifest in my life:

I want to play guitar and hope to be invited to the jam session with Big Slate. Self-consciously, I have concerns about my abilities as a musician and complain that I am the only woman in a roomful of male musical energy. Manifestation? Not one, but two damaged guitars.

I want a committed partner who falls hard and fast in love with me, meets me at every turn and challenges me where I need it most. Furthermore, I want passion and intimacy. Secretly, I doubt aspects of my personality and struggle with body image. Manifestation? Constantly falling for men that actually embody more extreme, hidden aspects of my own personality – aspects that I am afraid to acknowledge in myself but fall head over heals for when I find them in another. Mistaking this for love, or at best mutual attraction beyond the physical, and growing sexually impatient.

So what do I want?

I want to love myself more thoroughly so that I can sincerely love another.

I want to accept my emotional bravery as a gift, rather than a burden or a curse.

I want to publish a book that I am proud of. I will publish a book that I am proud of.

I never want to lose sight of all that I have been given, all I’m grateful for.

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