Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

Parker fades in my mind and heart, and I watch the emotion recoil from a distance, unsure of what compels this force within me. It’s true that he needs a friend more than a lover right now, and it was that realization which struck me Tuesday night, curled beneath the sheets, his sleeping body next to mine. A fact like that strikes between the eyes and has a way of undoing time, making past events seem as small as a pinhead and then coaching the heart along a new path.

It’s easy to think and feel this way in his absence, especially with the holidays and family filling up four days with feasting and fun. I haven’t called him and we have no plans for this week. A study date could be nice, or some meditation, but for now the world pulls me elsewhere.

Am I the same, needy person from two months ago? Has Parker provided a reality check on relationships – the work, the time, the sacrifice? Perhaps – or maybe the match is not a match at all, and the way my heart leapt when I first met him was premature. It wouldn’t be the first time.

It’s days like this when I can sit back and laugh a little at my own struggle to find companionship. I have been given so much and cannot think of any other basic tools that I need other than what I already have going for me in this writing life. The first born will be the book, and until publication, it might just be a monogamous relationship.