Full Moon Fever

The universe heaves with messages today:

A rejection letter from a nonfiction literary journal. (And when I read the note, I see that it is signed by a familiar name…quick, flip back through the papers, yes, there it is. I have rejected this editor’s submission to Silk Road, which I edit. Now, he has rejected mine. Surely, we have been anonymous to each other since he hasn’t received his rejection letter yet, but oh! The coincidence!)

A rejection letter from an anthology. (And when I read the handwritten P.S. at the bottom of the form letter, the editor has noted: “You made it to the last round!”)

An acceptance letter from another literary journal regarding the same essay I submitted to the anthology. (And when I read the form letter, I learn that I have made it past the first round and my submission is being sent to the editorial board for further review.)

An email from Parker: “I’m back. Do you want to hang out tomorrow? I’ve decided to move to UniversityTown, NC.”

And most notably, an email from MGL. MGL who appears in the essay that has been rejected and is now being considered for publication elsewhere. The essay is a version of this.) MGL who I met at Joe’s farm on a full moon night, sky clear enough to crack, just light tonight.

Dear Lord, what a day.

I could chase any one of these rabbits down the path. Feel rejected by the rejections. Feel hopeful for making first cuts. Feel lonely or relieved knowing that Parker is going. Dive head first into the flash flood of emotion and memory-scenes that envelop me after I’ve read MGL’s message.

Of all the triggers, it is MGL that my mind chases and it does not take long, because the path is familiar. I’ve worn ruts down this way for many months at a time.

But this time, not an ounce of anger. Not a sliver of pain. No beasts of betrayal reside here. In fact, the dominant emotion is curiosity, which I am immediately nervous and elated about. Can I trust myself to reconnect? Have I gained wisdom from this past year of heartaches, the innocence that blinded me so thoroughly with MGL now waned, slipping through the cracks in my heart?

I come back to the present. Touch on the slogan: “When you realize you’re thinking, let the thoughts go.” I notice the energy inside of me, free of content. And that’s all it is, quite simply – energy. Not good, bad, happy, or sad.

If I can act from this place, I will not carve the same paths I’ve already worn. If I can stay in touch with the energy of now, spontaneous wisdom will guide me rather than habitual tendencies. I pray for this.

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