I’m not writing and it’s scaring me. The residency ended just five days ago, so I ought to have a break – right?
I’m on the road and extremely distracted. In Portland, there is so much love and so much history that it’s hard to stay present with my friends even when we’re one-on-one. I feel overbooked, full of emotion. It’s difficult to walk around in this paradox – feeling more at home than ever before and also feeling totally ungrounded. And of course, when I get home to North Carolina, I’ll feel a deeper sense of home – a present sense, a sense that grounds me. Until then, romanticism reigns and I can’t seem to settle down long enough to get new material on the page. That’s the scary part.
Meantime, I’m reading. I’m doing my residency evaluation and craft talk write-ups (due on 36 hours, approximately). I’m trying to plan around my due dates and I’m trying not to psych myself out. But I’m working with an author I’ve been waiting for and who’s been waiting for me. I want my first packet to be the best it can be and can’t help but wonder whether or not I can pull that off while simultaneously traveling and partying on vacation.
Today Celeste and I traveled to Corvallis. Tomorrow I’m off to Newburg to see Jennie – my childhood friend “since eggs.” Mid-afternoon will provide a tearful goodbye with Casse, I’m certain. Sometimes the things we can’t write about aren’t unwritten because they’re secret. The emotions may be formed, but the words are not yet born.
And so it is with my writing – or the writing I hope to do this semester. The emotion is there, the motivation is potent, but the words are not yet born.
Maybe I will find them with Cam and Erica in Colorado? The third and final part of the trip begins Tuesday with them. There is a reason I made a pointed effort to say goodbye to all of my friends in NC before I left – it’s because I’m never the same person when I return. I’ve got to find who I am now, and then the words will be born.