Checking In, Getting Real

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I’ve been hiding for three and a half days. Meanwhile, the world seemed to fling old ghosts at me left and right. The convergence of forces seems overwhelming: I’ve been seeing someone who, coincidentally, shares a name with an important person in my life and who, coincidentally, is bi-polar – like my former lover, but who, thank goodness, has a totally motivated and intellectual approach to it all and has a charming, hilarious, loveable personality to boot.
Other convergences? I’ve been tempted by the old demon of the sex drive, namely, by being put in situations where I might have formerly said YES and fallen headlong into a lusty crush that only ended in pain and self-deception. Instead, I set my boundaries, said NO, still had fun, and am working on a friendship that I’ll value in the end. Still, the test of the process was exhausting.

A few more? The food demon came back with a vengeance. I couldn’t do anything but eat, so it seemed, for three days. Even my paid writing contract work fell to the wayside (though not overdue, of course) because, well, what I was wearing and what I was eating somehow mattered more. I couldn’t even get myself to leave the house to go on a walk in the beautiful daylight. I went out at night and struggled to hold my attention. My body was physically uncomfortable because of what I’d done to it. It’s been called obsession and masking pain or creating the façade of “satisfaction” or “fullness” and after reveling in it for three days, I’m happy to be in the clear…I think I am, anyway.

Other demons? Feeling my parent’s pain and stress as if they were E.T. and I was Elliot. It hits me viscerally, and I can barely tolerate it. Instead of being angry or over-managing, I mourned. This led to more eating and further isolating myself, and thus the spiral began. But at least I didn’t freak out externally this time. I guess.

So this is not creative. And it’s almost a bitch-fest. I confess, I’ve failed before. But we all have times when we sink or swim. I’ve been treading water for three days and am trying to find dry land. Bear with me. It will come. Today I left the house. Played piano. Attempted the FAFSA (which I cannot do until I do my taxes – but I tried!). I even ate healthy, normal foods. And when I was hungry for “satisfaction” but not necessarily needing food, I drank tea instead. It’s a start.

And so is getting the right amount of sleep. So off to bed. Wishing for clearer skies, so to speak, tomorrow.