Grant Me the Strength…
On the eve of a regular schedule, I find my mind in high-goal-gear and by evening I have exhausted myself by simply considering the possibilities.
I know this much from last season: In order to stay on top of homework and bills I need to wake up at 6:30 each morning. That leaves five hours to bathe, meditate, exercise, eat, write, and read. (Of course, any weekday errands that must happen before 5pm have to occur during this slot as well…which means driving to town). Work is from 12noon to 6pm, then dinner on campus at 6:30, home by 7:30pm. Volunteer to sing every Wednesday morning at the Montessori school. Evenings are discretionary, depending on how close I am to a freelance or MFA deadline or if I completed all my morning tasks. Women’s singing once a week and probably a visit with the parents once a week, as well. Blog and poetry every night before bed.
It is the exercise and eating the concerns me the most. When I work a tight schedule, I de-stress with food – which is a sedentary activity. More food, less movement, means a feeling in my body that I don’t prefer. What will it be, then? Pushups? Long walks each morning? Eating smaller portions? Using a scale? Crunches, too? Four sets of sun salutation every morning and night?
It never ceases to amaze me how we can have everything we need in the world and yet want to manipulate our own bodies. I have no pressing health concerns. I am relatively fit, though nothing compared to the strength I had four years ago. There is no one in my life telling me to change the way I am – no one but me, that is.
So hello again old ghost, and welcome. This time I will name you and know you and not let you decide anything for me. When I exercise, I will hold an intention of my own – not the intention of any ghosts from my past or from society that say I have to look different than I do. I will work for my own benefit, for a more comfortable fit, for more agility, for a longer life, for a bounce in my step. And there will be no such thing as failure, just amendments to the plan and rational flexibility.