Adventures in Re-emerging

I finally figure it out. It’s a sort of regression. I find myself in a familiar situation—a lovely crush, a safe experience through and through—and yet I am not giving of my heart in the same way. After Parker, I felt totally confirmed in only the real deal; didn’t want to give an ounce of my time or energy to anything casual. After Cass, I was reminded that even something that felt like the real deal could hurt more just as much. Now, I’ve regressed to feigning that I don’t know what to do next with this lovely crush that’s developed. We’re supposed to go to a gallery opening tomorrow night, and I seek advice.

“And then what do we do?” I ask her.

“I think it’s pretty obvious what you do next,” she smiled. “I mean, you lean in and then…”

“No, no, no. Not that part. That’s taken care of. I mean, afterwards,” I say. Am I actually having this conversation? It’s easy. I used to know exactly what to do next. “I need something concrete. An activity.”

“You ask him back to your house to watch a movie,” she says.

“Yes! That’s it.” Oh, it’s all coming back to me. Prolong the evening. Right, right. “Thank you!”

So I’ll give that a try. And see what happens. Maybe this is my re-emergence into the world of trusting and letting my heart be vulnerable again. Maybe that’s the simple gift behind this temporary, gentle friendship.

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