It’s been a fascinating week, even though it’s been a bit disheartening. All week long I’ve been hoping to hear from DD. Instead, Cass calls (representing the past) and Cam calls (representing the imagined future). But the present just won’t call. One cannot help but analyze this and try and learn from it.
Cam asked me why I’m searching for love, or what is it that keeps me looking? (This, from a die-hard romantic who is always searching, also.) I told him that this summer I hit my breaking point with the number of people constantly coming and going in my life via my relations at the craft school. I told him it made me feel ungrounded, and that all of the sudden I needed to do something about that in order to make my life sustainable here. I needed to widen my foundation, to have a best friend who I knew was sticking around for good and fulfilled a variety of needs. It therefore became instantly and suddenly clear that I need a partner in order to make my life work here.
Getting cut off from DD is disappointing, but the real kicker is how much it reminds me that there is something missing in my life and a lot of that has to do with where I live. It feels like a threat that ties into my way of life and that makes me nutty. Also, Noelle moves back to Chicago in three days, so I am losing my best female friend here, my singing friend, my shopping buddy, my co-worker, and my all-around good laughs buddy. Why is she moving? Because her family is there and because she wants to date. And people know you can’t date at the craft school and she’s sick of that so she’s leaving.
All this in the midst of the end of the semester. And I could send my packet now, but I’m not satisfied with it. Meanwhile, the snow falls on Fork Mountain, chunks of ice on the windshield, icicles on the gutters, and the wind howling through the trees. Oh, to ride those gusts away, away. To need nothing and exist by the sheer force of your own making. To rattle the leaves wherever you go, inviting an elegant dance, and then to leave, leave, headed for greater things. Oh, to never look back.