Shaping a Vision
I went to bed at 6:45 p.m. last night. I woke from 1 a.m. – 2 a.m. and wrote the blog, plus a few other things. Then I slept from 2 a.m. to 6:45 a.m. I woke with a new vision, seeing as how that’s twice as much sleep in one night as I’ve been getting most nights for the past month. And I’ve conjured responses to my own griefs:
1. I decide that I am quite pleased with the fact that I don’t want a relationship with the smooch buddy. This is not who I used to be, but maybe it is who I am now. That I can pace myself with affection, that I can be one way or another, that I’m not constantly setting myself up for heartache.
2. I am honest with that other person who is reaching for me. The push/pull is wearing me out and the only thing I know to do is name it and say how it makes me feel. Time is of the essence, and for once it’s not in a way that makes me want to label things or box them in. It’s of the essence in a way that makes me happier with the unknown. That’s a new view, and it’s not something to mourn. It might, even, be something to celebrate.
3. I put my concerns in writing to the craft school, concluding with the following statement: “I believe it is my right to earn a respectable wage and a wage that [the craft school] would not be ashamed to advertise in local papers…a wage that our director or board members would not be shocked to learn about or embarrassed to see on paper…a wage that is livable…a wage that does not make me feel like a dispensable member of [the craft school] staff.
And I just brushed my teeth. And I will get eight hours of sleep tonight. And I will find sanity in the present moment, because that’s all there is.