***Closing Report***

Arts Writer Drops Charges

Katey Schultz, the arts writer injured by yard art almost two weeks ago, was seen this morning in Dr. Hero’s office carrying a six-pack of beer before noon, witnesses said on Tuesday. Just a hair shy of downtown Spruce Pine, where newly passed liquor and alcohol laws permit purchase of said goods within “city” limits, Schultz’s actions appeared to be a direct provocation.

Schultz claims she didn’t know how to behave. “I just stood there staring at the glass windows and there were people on the other side, staring back. How do you tell someone in pink scrubs that you’re looking for the MD who wears Crocs and drinks IPA? I thought that maybe if I started singing ‘Driver 8’ by R.E.M. he’d magically appear through one of the many closed doors.”

Provocation or not, the arts writer seemed expertly confident this morning as she followed the nurse down the hallway to have her stitches removed. Minutes later, with blood oozing from the barely sealed wound, Dr. Hero and his nurse acted quickly. “I’m going to go ahead and say no hiking, Katey,” said Dr. Hero between removing stitches. A few stitches later he spoke again: “Actually, I’m going to go ahead and say don’t really walk more than you need to just yet…And come back and see me on Friday.”

At this time, Schultz realized she would not be fending off multiple imaginary attackers at the dojo anytime soon. She considered expressing this to Dr. Hero but realized the nuances of Basa Dai Kata (storming the fortress form) would be best saved for another time. With super glue and steri-strips in place, Dr. Hero’s nurse applied the most crucial element for recovery—a neon pink band-aid—and sent the writer on her way.

When questioned in the parking lot after her appointment, Schultz told reporters she was dropping charges against the yard art after investigations revealed its maker. The artist, a nationally recognized glass sculptor, admitted to abandoning the 3-foot tall sculpture years prior, paying no mind to its fate.

Equal Opportunities for Yard Art spoke on behalf of the sculpture: “There is nothing that pleases me more than proper classification of handmade objects. Our client was belittled for years as yard art and then porch art, and now its true genus has been revealed. Not only was this piece a sculpture, but a sculpture turned by the hands of none other than TopFiveFamousGlassArtistintheUSA. Schultz should wear her scar like a badge of honor.”

When asked to respond to this proclamation, Schultz was seen gripping the steering wheel of her Volvo, repeating,“A foot is a foot is a foot,” to no one in particular.

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