I Give Up

I am not cut out for this. Who am I kidding?

“Well, I mean. I’m available, but I can’t give my attention exclusively to you,” Keller says.

And it is not as though I was really attached to him, per say, but it was more the fact that he used the word “exclusively” in the negative. In the moment, standing under the streetlight outside the meditation center, I recall that he is one of six (or was it eight?) siblings. I, on the other hand, and am only child. His use of the word exclusive makes me frown and now I see why. I was not made for the dating world. Whether I like it or not I require attention, affection, romance, dedication – all on a regular basis. Does that make me high-maintenance? No. It makes me a romantic. It makes me committed. It makes me wise, steady, determined. On second thought, this probably also makes me come on too strong.

How is it that I am still barking up this same tree? Clearly, the object of desire is not all its chalked up to be, and when it does come out of the tree to dance with me (even for just one date) we are inevitably incompatible – like cat and dog.

This, on top of the fact that Keller’s ski vacation actually involved “a girl in Colorado who currently has a lot of my attention,” as he put it. Sigh.

On the way home, by exit 15 I decide that I am utterly naïve. I decide I have to give up. I decide this must stop. I decide that I would have been better off writing at home all night, than this. Much better. I decide that single is not the same as alone.