P(retty) M(uch) S(tupid)
I forget sometimes, to look outside. And it is the sky, or the crookedness of the horizon against the sky, that always helps me return to the natural world, reeling as if backwards through time, un-fishing the seas of my imagination so that I may once again blend into the whole.
I can spin in circles in my head for days on end. This is both painful and productive. It’s like going through the motions – making a double Americano, paying a bill, taking a shower – while never really leaving the capsule of your mind. You make plans with friends, you sign your name on checks as if your identity was something measurable, when really you are lost in a sea of words and the daily endurance of
But when I remember to look outside, everything opens up again; connects. I get the urge to fast for two days, drink only tea or eat lettuce and take baths. I meditate for longer and reread paragraphs from my favorite books. I count the hours in a week that I spend writing or studying and try to find more.
But where there is determination I carry weaknesses in equal measure. I forget to eat vegetables for three days. I lose all motivation for physical activity. I debate the veracity of my life pursuits and self-worth. Social interactions lead only to hours of useless over-analyzing and self-doubt. I try to write myself back into confidence when really I should just get up and go hike.
Which is precisely what I should do, tomorrow, in order to get out of this P(retty) M(uch) S(tupid) funk.