This is what I have learned. When there is something that you think you want so badly, and the world is not offering it to you, listen to that as hard as it may be.
Therefore, forget this searching for love. Therefore forget the unreturned phone calls. Therefore throw myself into anything and everything else. Therefore, therefore, therefore.
I am officially done with work for the season, and heading into three months of unemployment. I have to freelance projects and workshop worksheets for the MFA office that I need to deal with. That will get me to the new year. In the meantime, raking, wood splitting, gravel hefting, and bird feeding await. I will do these things until they are done and I will not look back and I will not dwell and I will not pick up the phone and dial a certain collection of 10 digits.
I will continue with my daily yoga regimen, but I will do it twice a day instead, morning and evening (three cheers for Baron Baptiste’s Power Yoga Level II DVD!). I will start taking karate lessons for the first time in my life because I need to have a sport and I can’t risk soccer or running anymore. I will have a coach and goals and this is long overdue. My first class (observation only) begins tomorrow night. Oh, the adventures will begin.
All the ferocity I have to live and love and develop a meaningful relationship? I will throw this back at the world in these other ways. And I will go, go, go. And for a while, until I feel safe and whole and better, I will not look back.
If you’re searching for love, it will never find you.