Looking Back

When I broke up with Redbeard he accepted it gracefully, though still slightly broken-hearted. He asked me if I thought I was ending the relationship because I was afraid. At the time I said no. Today, I am not entirely sure.

There are moments where I miss him and there are things I can think to share with him except that he is not here for me to share them with anymore. When I think about being with him again, the predominant emotion is fear. Fear of it being the wrong thing and fear of it being the right thing. Fear, fear, fear.

Now that we’re not together, I’ve only made things more complicated. Going back to him now would be entirely unfair, as it would only raise the stakes. If I do anything, I must be entirely and completely certain. Trouble is, uncertainty is the name of the game in my life these days: uncertain financially and uncertain future, unemployed and uninsured, willing to move in a heartbeat. That’s no shape to be in when risking someone else’s emotions, too.

Maybe it is that I do not know how to be loved unconditionally by someone like Redbeard. He was there, already taking the leap. I didn’t trust myself not to absorb all the comforts he had to offer and simultaneously give him enough in return. I didn’t feel I had enough of myself to give, in other words; I wanted to keep myself for myself.

I like to think that if the right person comes along, that is when I will no longer be able to keep myself for myself. I will be so in love that I will want to give a lot of myself. With Redbeard, I didn’t want to give that much. Was that circumstantial or was it him?