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Yard Art Takes Revenge on Arts Writer

Full moon fever struck along Conley Ridge this Friday, May 8 at approximately 9:30 pm, when a three-foot tall glass sculpture toppled and struck arts writer Katey Schultz across her foot. The sculpture shattered beyond repair and Schultz came away with nine stitches and a partially severed tendon.

“It all happened so fast,” said Schultz, who was house sitting for a friend near the craft school. “The dog leash tangled around this hideous three-foot tall ashtray, formerly designated as yard art, and it crashed onto the porch. I essentially walked right into the upended shards, each about 1/4 inch thick.”

Schultz, who was wearing only a pair of Chaco sandals, reportedly crawled to the phone to get help, while the dog (a Jack Russell Terrier) merely whimpered in the yard wondering why the writer wouldn’t come out and play. “It was at that time I wished Old Yeller wasn’t just a fictional character,” said Schultz.

After phoning her parents, Schultz began breathing heavily and lay on the floor with her foot elevated on a lunchbox. Wads of soiled toilet paper and smears of blood were later found at the scene, spread from the front door to the bathroom and across the living room floor. A lone sandal stood among the broken glass beneath the porch light.

Not thinking clearly, the arts writer phoned the dog owner, who was 3,000 miles away in Seattle, to inquire where his first aid kit was. Being a bachelor, he had none, but happened to be having cocktails with a wound care specialist at the time. The specialist coached Schultz through the situation, advising her that, “if it isn’t spurting you’re going to be ok.” The dog owner was reportedly heard in the background to exclaim: “What is it with my dog and feet?” Investigations by this reporter revealed that a previous dog sitter for the Jack Russell incurred more than $600 in damage to Italian leather shoes that were anxiously chewed and then shat on.

Phone records obtained from Verizon indicate that Schultz then phoned her writing friend in the next county, whose husband—Dr. Hero—is an MD with an office not far from Conley Ridge. Dr. Hero had just opened his second beer, but not yet consumed it. As he gathered his things, Schultz’s parents arrived and helped her rinse the wound. “There was a two-inch flap of skin that sort of puckered across the top of my foot near my pinky toe,” said Schultz. “I saw tendons when the flap was still loose, but by this time it had glued itself back to my foot—in the wrong way—and there was too much blood to see what was going on.”

Mr. Schultz, and Eagle Scout, wrapped Schultz’s wound and grew increasingly determined to “do anything for his daughter,” including incurring unending ER fees for treatment. The writer, being both frugal and stubborn, refused to go to the ER. Thus began a discussion whereby Mrs. Schultz, who was thinking more clearly than the other two, helped the family reach consensus.

Dr. Hero arrived at his office in Crocs and cargo shorts, ready for battle. “It was hard to tell what he was thinking,” said Schultz. “The best part was when he numbed my foot.” When questioned about the experience of watching Dr. Hero at work, Mr. Schultz replied that it was his express goal to make the doctor laugh, which in fact he did. Mrs. Schultz speculated over Schultz’s dangling tendon, then leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Wavering a bit, she angled back into her seat and put her head between her knees.

“So, basically you were hit by an ashtray?” Dr. Hero asked the arts writer. It was at this moment that Schultz proclaims she had an epiphany: The sculpture, being yard art from the previous owners of the home, had recently been demoted to the realm of porch art and—even worse—used for a function that is frowned upon. The arts writer, being educated and career-oriented, had a known reputation in the community for publishing essays about the creative process. Investigators are currently following leads that the “accident” was in fact premeditated by the ashtray itself. The arts writer not only undervalued the ashtray, but in fact paid more mind to the Jack Russell than anything else.

A spokesperson for Equal Opportunities for Yard Art, spoke on behalf of the ashtray: “Our stance is always the same. All art is good art and all good things are art. Discrimination, even in the form of subtly ignoring a piece’s inherent beauty, can have serious repercussions.”

When asked what her favorite part of the evening was, the arts writer explained: “It was both gross and thrilling to get to look into a two inch hole across my own foot and see my tendons moving. But I think my favorite part was when the orthopedic surgeon said surgery would not be necessary, despite the partially severed tendon that dangled from the bloody pocket on my foot like a piece of forgotten chicken meat.”

Dr. Hero announced that Schultz’s injuries were, “definitely the most interesting thing I’ve gotten to sew up in a while,” and encouraged the writer to take antibiotics and return in ten days to have the stitches removed.