Here We Go Again
Here’s the thing. The anxiety fades like a sunspot for a few days, then hammers me into the ground one morning and doesn’t let up until the wee hours of the next day. It goes like this: round and round and round. And it’s obsessive rumination, I think, and the side affect is anxiety. But it’s not the kind of anxiety that I think others can pick up on. It’s just me, feeling like I’m going a little crazy, feeling like if I let people see the whole me that they’re going to be a little wigged out by all the over-firing that my brain has been doing, and finally, feeling like at the end of the day I want to cry from the exhaustion of holding myself together.
This isn’t me, right? I’m not like this. I’ve never had this problem before. What’s happening? Hah. Enter voice: That’s what they all say.
Tomorrow I will call my MD. And make an appointment (which will take three weeks to get and which will be running, no doubt, over an hour late). Also, see the acupuncturist again in a week and a half.
Meanwhile: keep meditating, keep doing yoga. I unfortunately overbooked myself this week to the tune of one event each night for the next five nights in a row. The most important of which is tomorrow, when DD comes for his first visit to my home – to see my world and a handful of my friends as we gather for a cookout at my house in honor of Wesley’s birthday. I resolve to drink extra wine if I have to, in order to tell the endless thoughts in my head to shut the hell up for a while.
Tonight, on the way home from a 150 mile round trip in darkness, rain, and the endless chatter of my brain, the world outside my car seemed quiet. For the last 20 miles of the drive, the final stretches reaching to home, I saw more deer than I did cars (deer 6, cars 4). When I walked in the door, I felt slightly calmed, but then everything faded when I remembered that even thought it was 10pm I still needed to make chili for 20 people.
Repeat to self: Do no make any plans next week. Write, write, write. Hide, hide, hide. Study yourself kindly. Be gentle with yourself. Figure out what’s going on.